Kelley, during one of my first Ketamine trips I felt that I should have attempted suicide so that someone would have taken me seriously. I told several health professionals about my suicidality and one actually said to me: "All depressives do." Way to go asshole -- that's some empathy. Anyhow, it sounds like you have been doing Ketamine a lot. Have you augmented any other meds during this time? Added a new SSRI? That helped me after 2 months on K with much improvement like I could leave the house, but was having anxiety about packing for a trip, or being able to stop at a grocery store.

When I had my relapse after one year of being hunky dory super well, I was crushed. I wouldn't let myself threaten to take myself out as I could only imagine fucking up my kids forever. I That is all I could do to stay safe. I imagined my jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, I imagined getting my hands on some drugs that I wouldn't throw up.

Regarding Bourdain and Spade: What a waste! Two talented people who couldn't get help or tried everything and didn't get help. People who do not know depression should shut the hell up.

Sending love Kelley.